We mostly hate it when we’re buried deep into our phone at a party, and someone comes up to us with mindless banter (or mindful conversations, doesn’t matter really). It’s almost like they can smell our fear of social interaction. Be it a date, a work meeting, or any social event, small talk is the one clingy friend that refuses to leave us alone. We want to avoid another conversation about the weather followed by a series of awkward pauses at all costs. But unfortunately, small talk is a life skill that can come in handy. As much we despise it, we’re perfectly capable of holding a decent conversation with someone.
Worrying about small talk is futile because by definition- it’ll be over before you know it. All you need is a little practice and some direction. Soon you’ll be effortlessly talking to your dad’s third cousin about living in a cramped apartment with four roommates and a dog.
Here are a few things to keep in mind the next time you’re desperate for a conversation-starter.
Ask questions
The first step seems obvious, but if you knew what questions to ask, you wouldn’t need our help. Asking questions is the best way to get the attention off of you for the first few minutes. But please, let’s all make a pact to avoid the “So, tell me more about yourself”.
Vague questions are the worst because no one ever knows how to answer them. Instead, start with things you already know- their family, job or the cat you saw on their Instagram.
Avoid yes/no questions. People love talking about themselves; you need to set up the opportunity. Make sure you don’t toe the line of bombarding them with questions. They’re here to talk, not confess why they were at the McDonalds near your house at 10:47 pm last Thursday.
According to Harvard researchers as quoted by cnbc, “In a series of experiments, researchers analyzed more than 300 online conversations and found that those who were asked more meaningful follow-up questions (a.k.a. questions that aren’t “how are you?” or “what do you do?”), found the other person much more likable.
Listen
The first step to listening is talking with your body. Maintain eye contact, keep a smile on your face (unless they’re talking about something serious, duh), nod your head and try not to fidget. If your body shows that you’re uncomfortable, this is going nowhere.
Find a connection
“Oh, you went to XYZ university? No way, my brother graduated from there too!”
“Same! I can’t function without that first cup of coffee”
“You watch *insert generic show* too? Didn’t you just hate how the season ended?”
It doesn’t matter how silly the connection is if it helps you relate. It’s a way to bond with the person in front of you and helps seal the deal. After all, there’s no way you’d want to continue talking to someone who calls your favourite band overrated. There’s just no coming back from that.
Find conversational threads
Listen, and I mean *really* listen to what they’re saying. If you zone off and think about whether you left the stove on at home, you’ll never find follow-up questions. Long rambly stories come with the perfect opportunity to dissect answers and make new ones. “You mentioned that you were in Delhi last year, how’s the nightlife there?”.
Remember that you’re doing okay
When you start doubting how interesting your story is, it ruins the way you deliver it. Talk about yourself as though you’re the most exciting person you have ever met. Fake confidence, enthusiasm, and give in to the reins of narcissism. When you’re sure of yourself, others seem to follow. Just keep talking and avoid mono-syllable answers.
The inherent nervousness of making small talk usually is two-sided. Even the extroverts are trying to navigate through a good conversation. If you’re comfortable, they’ll just mistake you as one of their own.
A lousy conversation isn’t the end of the world, so why do we let it keep us up at night? Especially when the other person has already moved on to their next target. You never know when your small talk skills can help you find someone you want actually to converse with.