We’ve all grown up watching movies about strong male friendships. Whether it’s Bollywood classics like Dil Chahta Hai and Zindagi Milegi Na Dobara or Hollywood favourites like The Hangover- these films have always given us major friendship goals. But when you turn to our mundane lives, are men able to maintain their bromances in a healthy manner?

Traditionally, it seems as though women were perceived to be closer to their female friends- physically and emotionally. They also have been said to emote and express themselves better than men. No thanks to society, which has always told men to put on a tough face, it appears to have affected their friendships among many other aspects. While this may not be the case for everyone, toxic masculinity has cost men some significant relationships.

What is Toxic masculinity?

The Independent- a UK based digital publication, defines the term as “harmful behaviour and attitudes commonly associated with some men, such as the need to repress emotions during stressful situations, and to act in an aggressively dominant way.”

These ideals eventually dictate how men view themselves in society. A lot of young boys aspire to be the “perfect man”. Some examples of these traits are being violent, sexually aggressive and unemotional. Eventually, not living up to these expectations can have a lasting impact on how men perceive themselves. 

In 2019 the American Psychological Association (APA), released guidelines on working with men, boys and the idea of “traditional masculinity”. They suggested that men who are expected to fit a certain kind of ideals deal with mental health issues but are unable to talk to their struggles with their friends and family.

Early Influence

NYU psychologist, Niobe Way conducted a study addressing friendship among male teenagers. She discovered that men and women are both likely to talk to their same-sex peers about their feelings until they’re 15-years-old. After this point, there seems to be a shift. She also found that at this age, male suicide rates were 4 times that of women. 

“I never had a typical ‘guy gang’ in school. It was definitely easier to open up to the girls my age. In school, you’d see most boys showing affection towards each other on the football field. Outside of that, they wouldn’t talk about things that mattered. I have only had a handful of male friendships that I can count on growing up.” says Aditya, a 21-year-old media practitioner. 

Relationship with Shame

A 2017 study, that focused on the difference between male and female friendships, in Psychology Today found that “male friendships are often merely “instrumental” and less emotional”. This means that men base their friendship on shared interests but fail to open up to their guy friends. Sometimes, these men rely solely on their female friends as well as romantic partners to talk about their feelings. 

Not opening up to their peers comes with a sense of shame. A lot of men compare themselves to how “manly” their other friends seem to be. They assume that their struggles will seem “girly” or feminine and that they won’t be accepted.

“I always was a more ‘sensitive’ person. I didn’t always get along very well with the guys around me. But as I matured over time, I think other boys did as well. I found a nice group of men that I now share an apartment with. It no longer seemed like I could only talk to the women around me- a thought that was very prominent when I was younger” says Veer Kapoor, a 26-year-old sales representative. 

Effects of Healthy Male Friendship

Healthy male friendships affect the overall personality of men. Having a healthy social support system has a positive effect. They are also less likely to encounter bouts of loneliness- one of the highest contributors of male mortality. These friendships can be found where you least expect them. 

“I’ve had the privilege of always having some great men in my life. Right from my schooling, to my first job and now, years later when I’m married. I still have a strong group of buddies who can talk about their feelings like they talk about their new business. It helped me realise that I’m not the only one who isn’t put together all the time. It’s very reassuring.” said a 53-year-old businessman.

A lot of men may choose to not show affection towards their male friends unless they’re on a sporting field or in the middle of a drinking session. But all they require is a safe space to emote better and feel accepted. Modern-day bromances are also evolving. As society moves past the ridiculous expectations that are set for men, there is hope for better male companionship. Hopefully, this only gives room to more wholesome, healthy friendships.