The parenting kingdom started subtly– bed-time was imposed. Soon, sleepovers became a no-no. They hijacked our career decisions, put freelancing off the table, went ballistic on our romantic relationships, mocked our hair colour at every family dinner, disapproved of our friendships, and breathed down our necks.

It is suffocating when parents dictate every aspect of your life and demand blind obedience. If someone told you all your life who to talk to, when to go out, and what to wear – it’s tough figuring who you are on your own. It’s a bummer because you normalized not having choices.

It is impossible to undo the times we gave in to their demands. Confronting them about their behaviour usually results in a full-blown fight on “values” and your violation of the “no-answering back” policy. We want to free ourselves from their *Big Brother* rule while not hurting or disrespecting them. Here are a few things you could do to cope with controlling parents:

Learn to recognize emotional blackmail

This is probably because of your sense of obligation >>>>>> sense of self-respect. Be on the lookout for this widespread yet, toxic parent move. When they threaten negative consequences or emotional harm, they are likely to engage in emotional blackmail.

If you recognize this pattern in them, role-play your conversations with them in your head before you meet them. You can craft solid responses. “Lord knows when I will leave earth for the heavens.” “We never left your bedside when you became sick as a child.” Distance yourself from such attacks and try not to promise things on the spot.

Control the need to please your parents

We may put on an “I don’t care what they think of me” act, but these are just hollow boasts. We are all conditioned to seek approval from our parents. However, all your desires and versions of you won’t always lock into each other. They may never approve of your profession and will mention how *right* they were about you not going for it when you discuss a work problem or spill the beans on your financial troubles.

It’s important to remind yourself in these moments that for your parents – 11 or 30, you will always be a child. They cannot isolate themselves from *being parents* and talk to you like any other adult. Thus, they will always factor in the “we know what’s good for you” talk. You could nod along and give in. They don’t function on the “to each, their own”, but you should. For example – If you love your partner and your parents disapprove of their ethnic background or gender, you will have to put your foot down. Standing up for yourself does not equal disrespect.

Become financially independent

One key reason parents feel they have dibs on everything in your life is because they are paying for it. You, too, may feel weird in standing up for yourself when you know that all shit that you own is because of them. Breaking off the financial ties gives you a sense of identity and autonomy. If your parents know you can have things your way even if they don’t support you, they are unlikely to go commando on you.

Be concrete about behaviours you won’t accept

Don’t like it when your ripped jeans become the butt of the joke every family dinner? Pulling the brakes on what behaviours you *cannot* accept sets the tone. They have their because-I-said-so boundary to every complaint you register. It’s time you give them a taste of their own medicine. Setting boundaries about what will and will not be tolerated is an excellent way to cope with helicopter parenting.

One caveat, though – this won’t be smooth. They may give you *the look*, hang up on you, threaten to cut you off, call ten different relatives, and gang up on you. Or they may accept and understand where you’re coming from. Remember, you water the toxic plant if you budge. You will sign up for a happier life if you stand your ground.