“You’re overreacting.”

“Why are you making things up?”

“You’re going crazy!”

“You never remember things right. That didn’t happen.”

Ever heard anyone say this to you after rationally explaining your feelings during a fight? Do you eventually start doubting everything you say? Do you feel like the person in question never takes onus for their actions? You may not know it yet, but you’re being gaslighted. 

To put things in perspective, the term “Gaslighting” was coined from the 1944 America Psychological thriller film “Gas Light.” The film centred around a married woman and her husband, who is manipulating her. In one scene, he controls the gas lights from the attic and turns them on sporadically. When the woman asks him about it, he claims that she is imagining things and dismisses her. And that’s basically what gaslighting feels like. 

What is Gaslighting?

‘Gaslighting’ has been one of the most popular buzzwords on social media in recent times. But unlike the frivolous nature of most words that make this list, Gaslighting has severe connotations.

Simply put, it is a form of psychological manipulation where the victim is left second-guessing their reality. An article in The Guardian quotes Dr Robin Stern, associate director at Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. He says, “When people are abused, there are signs that you can point to that are much more obvious. But when someone is manipulating you, you see yourself as the person to blame.” 

Gaslighting is more common than you think. You could have had a dozen encounters with it without realizing what was happening.

“People think only romantic partners gaslight you. But honestly, parents, siblings, teachers, and even friends often do it without realizing it. As a kid, every time I asked my mom about certain things that I would witness, she made me believe that I didn’t see them. For the longest time, I actually believed that they never happened” recollects Arjun (name changed), a 24-year-old who identified instances of Gaslighting through his therapy. 

Usually, Gaslighting is identified in relationships where there is a power struggle between two individuals. People who have the upper-hand are seen undermining the other to feel superior. 

Gaslighting can have long-lasting impacts on how a person perceives. Mahananda Bohidar, a psychological counsellor, says, “It’s possible over time, for someone who has been gaslighted to become paranoid about their own instincts. There’s also a sense of mistrust about themselves and the other people in their lives. In some cases, people who are being gaslighted are also pulled away from their social support systems.” 

Gaslighting vs Disagreement

Gaslighting is very different from a difference of opinion. For example, when your friend disagrees with how you approached a fight with your parents- it is cause for disagreement. However, if they tell you that your feelings towards the conflict are not valid or that you are making it out to be bigger than it is- you’re being gaslighted. 

How do I tell I’m being Gaslighted? 

Here are some questions to ask yourself and identify any instance of Gaslighting in your life. If you answer yes to some of these, it might be a good idea to reasses.

– Do they refute and deny every claim you make?

– Are they making up lies to drive their point home?

– Do they tell you that you have poor memory, and therefore, you cannot be trusted?

– Do you almost feel guilty about bringing up your concerns?

– Are they often overly affectionate, making you doubt their ill intentions?

– Do they twist your words to blame you?

– Do you feel like something is wrong with the relationship, but aren’t able to pinpoint what it is?

Bohidar also suggests that one should “observe whether the questions they’re asking are being answered or deflected. If they often do not give you the answer you’re looking for, it might be worth looking into.”

How do I get out of it?

At the end of the day, Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. This makes it hard for one to leave the other person, causing lasting psychological impact. The key to gaining control of the situation is identifying the varying instances and their causes. 

“My ex-boyfriend constantly called me paranoid for bringing up his budding friendship with his ex and lack of communication throughout the day. I eventually stopped bringing either of the issues up because I thought I was prying. Until I randomly decided to talk to a friend about it. Saying it out loud actually helped me realize that it wasn’t just in my head. This was a legitimate issue. After that, it was easier to confront him because I had some backing. I finally stood my ground.” said a psychology student who has had numerous encounters with Gaslighting and has explored the topic in-depth. 

Some things to keep in mind:

– Identify the instances that deny your stance.

– Identify the plausible causes of their argument.

– Confide in a friend for a second opinion.

– Remind yourself that your feelings are valid.

– Push back the next time such an instance arises.

Often, we might be Gaslighting people without realizing it. In such scenarios, be open to listening to the other person when they call you out. Try and identify why you could have possibly reacted the way you did. Make the person feel heard and appreciated. You need to be able to accept your faults and work on being better in the future. 

Being Gaslighted can make you question your sanity. But it’s a situation that can be brought under control. As excruciating as it can be, sometimes, the best thing to do is letting people go when you can’t seem to change their mind.