Best Friends Forever can quickly become Bad Friends Forever if you don’t watch the toxicity meter. If you have expired the “benefits of doubt” you give friends for disappointing you, it’s time you do some decluttering– and this time, it’s people. 

You may be holding onto people whose side gig in life is to emotionally drain out your energy while they bask in the glory. We all want these toxic blokes to be chucked out of our lives. However, we often hesitate in calling them out because we aren’t sure. Only when it gets overwhelmingly unhealthy, do we snap ties. It’s better, though, that we know early on who to keep investing time and energy in and who to boot out.

It turns out poisonous people have a pattern to them. Scroll through some common signs we spotted through lived experiences.

They put you down 

There’s no harm in a bit of leg-pulling; it comes engraved in the friendship contract. However, if your friend becomes a regular at demeaning you, especially on subjects you’re touchy about – consider it a red flag.

Riya Sharma, a fashion designer, shares with us the story of a toxic friend who would undermine her in public – “He would always make my shy nature the butt of the joke. He was well-aware of how insecure I was about it and yet seized all moments to make a laugh at my expense whether we hung out in a larger group of friends. I called him out in private multiple times, but he waved off my concerns as childish. I distanced myself from him slowly.” If you feel miserable after their “comic acts”, feel no guilt in writing them off.

They talk behind your back and throw around your secrets as gossips 

Toxic friends love knowing that you are not in a good space. For starters, they put on an empathy act, gain your confidence, rope you in with their consolations. After you divulge all your miseries, they dismantle the goody-goody cloak and start spilling beans of your personal and professional problems in public.

“I told him in a moment of vulnerability about a breakup I recently had. Not many knew I had been in a relationship in the first place. He made my grief public. Hostel became a living hell,” shares Aditya Pratap, a marketing professional who became the brunt of a friend’s toxicity.

You then hear from the rumour mill terrible things about you. It doesn’t take a detective to hunt down this loudmouth. We don’t think they deserve another chance, show them the way out.

You give and give and don’t get anything in return 

She would be sweet and extra love when she needs something. Otherwise, she wouldn’t acknowledge me. I would often help her out in times of need and was there for her. But I decided to draw a line after I left the city.” says Meghna Bordoloi, A psychology majors student who was ghosted by a toxic friend every time she needed her help.

You may have a similar freeloader friend who doesn’t seem to find their wallet right when it’s time to chip in or the kind who will always be running busy on your important days. One always benefits the doubt to them, but be warned when you see a pattern to this. If you find yourself overspending emotionally and financially, they are probably capitalizing on your money and emotions.

Toxic friends like these also tend to hijack conversations and make everything about themselves. Probably, they have a rough patch on some days, but they can also be using you as their emotional vomit bag. It’s best to then fade out from such friendships.

They are jealous of you

The jealous tribe looks away when things are going well for you. If you come to them all jumpy about an unexpected promotion, they will likely snicker at your good news and pass a backhanded compliment. Dr Judy Ho, PhD, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, says, “Jealous people cannot genuinely take turns in a conversation. They will always move right back to their own life anytime you’re talking about something that’s going well for you.” 

However, it isn’t wise to send all jealous friends to exile. You could force them into some Self-Reflection and confront them about the spiteful outbursts they directed at you. However, if they continue casting a shadow over your accomplishments and sense of self, it’s time to show them the exit door.

They don’t let you be yourself around them

Control freaks push you to knee-deep in toxicity. Pranjal Maurya, an engineering undergraduate, shares, “I had a friend who made decisions on my behalf when we hung out in a group. I let this go multiple times, but this created a false impression of me being a pushover. I wasn’t asked for an opinion; it was assumed I had none. I hated being her shadow.”

Toxic friends try to hold the reins of your life, determining how you spend your weekends or which restaurant you both get to go to. You may find this “possessiveness” a positive trait, thinking they take over you because they are vested in your best interests.

However, this spirals into you being invalidated for your choices. You may even stop enjoying their company because it feels too coerced. We seek friendships to be our most authentic selves and not be judged for it. If this collapses in itself, it will get increasingly suffocating to survive and may even put you in the throes of an identity crisis.