Do you remember watching the popular romantic comedy 500 Days of Summer and almost getting mad at Zoey Deschanel for getting married not long after her relationship with Joseph Gordon-Levitt ends?
It’s confusing when your ex, who swore they could never settle down, ends up in a serious relationship right after you part ways. Do you care that they’re with someone new, or are you just bitter about them being a hypocrite? Well, it turns out that Tik Tok decided that this situation (like most others) deserves a label. So here is a twisted idea with an unwelcome tinge of casual sexism. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to settle down… but only with you, you’re a foster girlfriend.
Urban dictionary defines a foster girlfriend as someone who dates their partner until they find their “forever home”. The term was popular on Tik Tok after a woman noticed that she’d been a foster girlfriend to guys her entire life. Cue the wave of realization that hit people as they too analyzed their past romances. Some were mad that the people they helped their ex-partners through challenging phases and never reaped the rewards. But others just seemed to have one question- ‘if being serious was on the table, why didn’t it happen for us?’
By very nature, these relationships are frivolous. You don’t give each other long, sweeping declarations of love. And you certainly make it clear that you have an expiration date. But it’s reasonable to wonder why it couldn’t be anything more when you see this person with someone new. Dating coach, Clara Artschwager, tells famous UK magazine Bustle, “We all know, deep down, when someone has no intention of being serious. It’s just a matter of whether we listen to that knowing or not.”
Some people told us it doesn’t just happen to women. “I was dating someone on and off for about eight months. She claimed to have severe commitment issues, and I understood. I often asked her if we could be something more, but I couldn’t change her mind. Cut to a little over three weeks after we broke up, there was someone new on her Instagram. I thought it was just one of her flings, but it turns out they were instantly serious. She went on to date this guy for years. I’ve thought of asking her about what happened a lot, but I’m slightly afraid of the answer”, says a 28-year-old professional.
It’s not always the other person; that’s the problem, though. Apparently, a lot of times, the foster girlfriend/boyfriend is just as cold and distant. In this case, it’s understandable why the people they date move on to more serious relationships. If you make it clear to someone that you aren’t ready for commitment, you’ll believe you. And if you’re okay with that, then this predicament isn’t an issue at all.
Another factor in all of this is timing. Sometimes, things align themselves in a way where you meet people that you weren’t looking for. It’s as much of a shock to you as it is to your ex. No one has control over this situation. You can be bitter, but chances are you’re just bitter it didn’t happen to you.
“I met my current partner while I was in this ‘semi relationship with my “foster girlfriend.” I had no plans of being serious with anyone at that point. But somehow, things just fell into place. I cut things off with my ex first. And I did feel bad, but I couldn’t step away from my shot at a great relationship for their sake, right?” says Sunaina, a 26-year-old engineer.
As far as dating trends go, it’s hard to keep track of the different relationships out there. But it’s a nice feeling watching so many people relate to such a specific emotion. Also, the circle of life can come a long way. Maybe your old foster girlfriend has their own foster girlfriend to deal with at the moment.